Has Your Life Been Affected By Addiction? There Is Hope In Recovery.
I met a wonderful man later in life, who became a good friend of mine. He was actually a neighbor. We hung out a lot, had drinks with friends and other neighbors, and really enjoyed each other’s company.
We became a couple and fell in love. He is a great guy and a good human. I knew him as a hardworking man who worked long hours, including being on call a week per month, throughout the year during the heat and cold months. After a long day, he enjoyed a couple of cocktails. On weekends, a few more than a couple. I didn’t think much of it. He went to work every day, never missed a day or called in sick, and he just kept moving forward.
I was encouraging him to stay on top of his health and get a physical. It had been 10 years since his last one. I am so glad he went, because something was detected and he was ultimately diagnosed with cancer. He had a successful surgery, but was in quite a bit of pain. He didn’t abuse the pain pills but was having a couple of extra cocktails to feel comfortable.
We eventually married. I encouraged him to retire from his physically demanding job and start a hobby or something he really enjoyed. I had insurance for both of us, so no big deal. He was thrilled and really needed the break.
What I Didn’t Know
Fast forward 11 months. He goes on a fishing trip with friends, falls, and breaks his neck. But he has someone drive him home in horrible pain, while they test out lies about how to explain the injury. None of which I believed. I take him to the emergency room, and he is completely wasted. They are asking me questions about what he has been drinking, how much, and how this happened… but I have no idea.
I learned from his friend that he had been drinking straight vodka on the trip. Apparently, he was up to a 1/5 per day. He had fallen several times, but the major incident was pure luck. Three of the vertebrae in his neck, broken in multiple places, moved away from his spinal cord instead of towards it. His surgery went well. He was placed in the ICU for both his neck and detox.
Detox was rough on both of us. He remembers none of it, and I remember all of it. He was in a medically induced sleep to heal. The doctors would, at times, bring him more awake to determine how he was doing. One time, he saw me but didn’t know who I was; it was heartbreaking. The hallucinations were incredibly difficult to watch and hear. Seeing him in medical restraints due to agitation was really hard, but the medical staff assured me his body and brain were healing. We just didn’t know if he would fully recover.
During this time, I am taking my computer to the hospital and working full-time remotely. No one at work knows anything other than a mishap on a fishing trip. I was exhausted, confused, and angry, but I wanted him to be ok. Over the weeks in the hospital, I began to take a hard look at myself. Was I a complete idiot? How could I not know he was drinking that much? I literally had no idea, and he was really good at hiding it. I was working, and he was retired, so he had a lot of time on his hands, and his disease, unfortunately, had progressed.
Joining AA & Navigating Relapse
When he returned home, I “strongly” encouraged him to join AA. I found a meeting he could walk to (since he couldn’t drive) in his big neck brace and found another meeting online. He did 90 meetings in 90 days. I was thrilled but extremely naïve about the disease. Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
I would have thought the broken neck was a rock bottom, right? Not so fast. He lasted about 4 months each time. One relapse led to another, lies, detox, more lies, detox, rehab, and again, lies, relapse, and detox. He was still going to AA meetings, at times drunk. They all knew it, but kept encouraging him to come back.
During these relapses, I was a mess. My inner core toughness and resilience were tested over and over again. I cried a lot. I leaned on his AA friends. A few Alanon people I knew and my family for support. I also continued to learn more, and not to be an enabler. My life now revolved around his drinking, including my happiness, my sadness, my frustration, and my time. I was no longer living as myself, but as the wife of an alcoholic. Nothing was simple; holidays were ruined, family get-togethers were challenging, and it seemed best to keep him safe and stay at home. Until he would be so drunk that when he stood up, his blood pressure would drop and he would hit the floor hard.
I was very angry too. How could he have driven drunk? How could he drive me around when he was drunk? How could he continue to lie after all this time? Why didn’t he want this good life with me? I asked our AA friend these questions. He said, It’s not personal, it’s the disease. Well, it felt pretty damn personal when it was our lives he was destroying bit by bit. I knew what a good man he was. He wasn’t verbally, mentally or physically abusive to me. He had a disease. I had to dig deep.
I would always tell him how much I loved him and what a wonderful person he was. I also told him that I was here to support him with this disease, like any other disease. I tried to inspire him by talking to him about life’s good and bad choices and that he had the same choices with recovery.
The fourth relapse and detox didn’t lead to tears. With a greater understanding of the disease, his wish not to die, the support of expert medical staff, and a blood alcohol level of .40%, he checked himself in. He was known at the hospital now, and the wonderful nurses were not so happy to see him back. The head nurse, Kathy, informed me of his BAC of .40% and let me know he may not make it this time. At this level, she explained his respiratory function could likely stop, he could fall into a coma and go into cardiac arrest, which any of these could be fatal. But as always, she would give him the best care possible, and I knew she would.
There Is Hope In Recovery
By God’s grace, he pulled through and was able to come home again. Our life and the people in it have changed, but only for the better. Today, he is sober. He gets to work on his fun muscle cars. He attends AA 3 times a week, as well as other meetings and events. We both attend some open meetings, which lend a perspective and knowing that others are going through the same thing we are. I am never alone. We have met some of the most wonderful, humble, screwed up, and amazing people we now call friends and family.
My own journey has been complex and at times tricky, but I am forever grateful. I have learned so much about Substance Use Disorder and about myself. I wouldn’t wish this disease on any person or family, but I am a better person because of it. Although I would not have chosen this path, God put me here for a reason. Maybe for me to understand that life is all about the people you touch along the way. Always help someone in need, offer a kind word, and support people by lifting their spirits and lightening their load.
Some days are easier than others. But every day, I strive to be the best version of myself, which inspired me to join my extraordinary friend Stephanie in starting Willo Recovery Network to support all individuals with addiction who desire recovery.
Laura D.